Baby Steps
Recovering from invisible injuries is a lot like recovering from visible injuries: you have to ease back into things so you don't reinjure yourself. Here are some suggestions for going slow so you don't end up flat on your face. The most important thing you can do as you begin to heal is to BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.
baby steps
It's ok not to be ok
The Advantages of anger
It's ok not to be ok
If you insist you are ok when you aren't, most people will be happy to believe you. In order to find support, you'll have to open up about what's going on. But if you've been shamed for talking about your feelings in the past, that can be like trying to open a can without a can opener. Here are some techniques to help you open that can of worms.
Find Yourself A Cave
The Advantages of anger
It's ok not to be ok
Humans have found refuge and shelter in caves for millennia. There is another kind of cave that can help shelter you after a traumatic experience: cultivating your own environment of Compassion, Acceptance, Validation and Empowerment (CAVE) can help you get the support you need.
The Advantages of anger
The Advantages of anger
The Advantages of anger
Anger is one of the most stigmatized emotions, but it is also one of the most useful. Anger can help us set boundaries that protect us, it can help us overcome trauma and right wrongs, and it can help us accomplish tasks that defeat us. Read about how to harness your rage and turn it into a productive force (instead of a destructive one).
try something new
Find Something To Believe in
The Advantages of anger
After trauma, fear can become paralyzing. Developing new patterns, new habits and new strategies can help us break free of old routines. The human mind is one of the most creative and adaptable in nature. Here is a collection of suggestions and strategies to break through stagnation and help you flex your untapped potential.
Dress to express
Find Something To Believe in
Find Something To Believe in
Many of us learn to wear what the people around us approve of. We may dress to attract a mate, or to appear successful, or because we want others to like us. But when we dress in a way that expresses and celebrates our own unique, individual tastes, we feel more comfortable, more confident, and attract people who are more likely to accept (and even celebrate) us as we are.
Find Something To Believe in
Find Something To Believe in
Find Something To Believe in
Sometimes we need external motivation to get us caring about living again. Some of us don't have enough self-love to overcome our trauma, and while we are building it, we can find meaning and purpose in a cause that is bigger than ourselves.
Start small
follow the signs
follow the signs
The quickest way to building self-confidence is through the completion and celebration of small accomplishments. Did you get out bed today? Celebrate your domination of inertia! Did you do the dishes? Commemorate your mastery over entropy! Think of them like earning experience points that will help you level up your coping game.
follow the signs
follow the signs
follow the signs
You don't have to believe in a religious doctrine to connect with the underlying structure of the universe. We are surrounded by patterns more complex than we can imagine. Looking for beauty and resonance in the world around us can help us reconnect.
Find Your People
follow the signs
Find Your People
There are a LOT of people in the world. Despite this abundance of individuals, it can be a lonely place if we are surrounded by people who don't support or accept us. But somewhere out there are people who would, if only we could find them. Building a chosen family out of people who share your values and interests can be incredibly validating.
it's ok not to be ok
It's Ok not to be ok
"Avoid negativity." "Good vibes only." "Think Positive!"
It's hard to avoid the intense social pressure to appear happy that well-intentioned people seem to like to plaster everywhere- mugs, shirts, signs, foreheads, sledgehammers. "If you would just CHOOSE to look on the bright side," this mindset insists, "Suffering would cease! Pain would stop! Little songbirds would come alight on your outstretched finger!" Presumably, people who enjoy this mindset do not have a difficult time "choosing" their rosy outlook. Perhaps they are protected by privilege, or enjoy the support of loving family, or simply have managed to exist into adulthood without incurring major trauma. But many neurodivergent adults have survived years of cruelty, bullying, abuse and trauma, simply for being born different. The pain, humiliation and invisible scarring from these experiences can cause intense distress, anger, sadness, anxiety, irritability, and other "negative" emotions. When negative emotions are labeled "bad" or "toxic," the people who cannot help but experience them are often labeled this way as well, or internally identify with it if they are capable maskers. Stigmatizing these completely natural responses to trauma as "bad" and forbidding their expression can further alienate people who are already hurting, preventing us from accessing the supports and resources that could help us heal and recover. We become social pariahs, pushed down the social ladder until there's nowhere else to land but rock bottom. Too many of us end up homeless, incarcerated or deceased.
Instead of banishing negative emotions, we should recognize them as natural aspects of a human emotional experience. Anger helps us set boundaries with abusers so that they can no longer hurt us. Sadness tells us to look inwards at unresolved trauma. Anxiety keeps us vigilant and alert to danger. By acknowledging what we are feeling and being curious about why, we can attempt to unravel the roots behind the hurt and encourage more positive fruits to grow. Being authentic and honest about our feelings is how we connect with support, by communicating our pain and (hopefully) finding a hand to help us through it. Being non-judgmental towards others who suffer with "negative" emotions and giving them a safe place to express and experience them can help them process the trauma, which often alleviates (or lessens) their intensity. Try extending your own patience and acceptance towards those whose emotions make you uncomfortable. You may need the same patience and acceptance some day.
Opening up about stigmatized emotions like anger, depression and anxiety can be embarrassing and intimidating. In order to communicate your feelings to another, you must first identify them. This is harder than it seems, because our feelings can be complex and confusing, especially if we are accustomed to shoving them way down deep where the sun don't shine. Here are some exercises to help open your can of worms:
How To Communicate Uncomfortable Emotions:
1. Listen to them. Go somewhere you feel comfortable and safe. Cuddle under the blankets of your bed, curl up on the couch, find a quiet tree to sit under. Close your eyes and let your mind turn inwards. Ask your feelings to describe themselves and assure them you won't judge them or chase them away. Imagine your unresolved emotions are like shadows that have messages for you, and they will continue to follow you like hungry ghosts until you listen to them. Give them space to speak, and listen. Hear what they tell you, even if it doesn't make sense at first. Some of them may only be sobs, some of them screams. Whatever they say, hear them. Try to identify words and pictures in what they tell you. Imagine your feelings are you as a young child, unable to filter themselves. Protect them from the judgment that usually silences them and let them speak until they are done. Let them shift into whatever forms they need to express themselves to you. They are only shadows, they cannot hurt you. But they can annoy and self-sabotage the fuck out of you if you piss them off by ignoring them for too long.
2. Name them. On a blank piece of paper, draw a huge circle. Inside the circle, write whatever words or phrases describe your experience. This is just for you, so don't worry about it making sense. You can shred it, burn it, eat it (please don't eat it), fold it into a paper airplane and sail it into the sunset, whatever later. Just write whatever feels right. You may feel sad, fucked up, like a loser, pissed off, frustrated, confused, unclear, muddled, addled, like a chewed-up piece of bubble gum under a desk. Try to describe the shadows with whatever words come to mind. Around the outside of the circle, write whatever you are NOT experiencing. What light, what good things are you missing? What are you starved of? What feeds you? Spend some time comparing what is inside the circle with what is outside. This can help you separate what IS going on inside you from what ISN'T. From the contrast, you may begin to glean clarity from the fuckery.
3. Represent them. Try to give your feelings a face. Draw, paint, sculpt, or shape what is inside you out of whatever you prefer (or have available). Don't try to make "art." Don't try to make it look nice. Don't even plan to show it to anyone. Do this just for you, as an exercise. Maybe it's just a massive scribble of black and gray. Maybe it's a pile of mush with poky bits sticking out. Maybe it's a puddle or a deep hole. Maybe it's a Barbie Doll with a dinosaur head or a velvet portrait run over by a large truck. Try to give form to what you're feeling in whatever way feels most appropriate. Suspend your own judgment, and blindfold your inner critic during this exercise. Send that inner critic off on an expedition to the South Pole for a well-deserved vacation while you get in touch with your shadows.
4. Describe them. Write a paragraph about what you found. Don't bother with punctuation or grammar; no one has to read this but you. If you struggle putting them into words, imagine your emotions, your shadows, are characters in a book or film. What kind of characters are they? What do they want? What do they do? Give them context. Where did they come from? Why are they here? What are they trying to communicate? Give them a backstory and a potential future.
5. Share or Destroy them. If you have someone close that you trust, a best friend or therapist or loved one, it can help to share what you're experiencing emotionally out loud. This can be helpful if you know a CAVE person who will offer support, constructive feedback or the patience to simply listen to your venting. If you don't have someone you trust to be vulnerable with, you can share it with your TOES and burn, bury or shred the physical expression of the painful emotion like a ritualistic effigy. Or mount it and hang it on the wall like the head of some exotic beast you slayed with your sheer emotional fortitude and strength of will. Whatever. You do you.
Find Your Cave
Find Your Cave people
It's hard (and sometimes impossible) to recover from a traumatic experience when you are surrounded by people who compound the trauma by scapegoating or blaming you for your own suffering. If you are neurodivergent, you may internalize these attitudes and incorporate them into your sense of self, poisoning your faith in your own experience and preventing you from healing. Persistent minimization and invalidation ("It wasn't that bad," "you're exaggerating," "There's two sides to every story," "I don't believe you") can become persistent false beliefs about our own experiences.
But thanks to the internet, we have the capacity to connect with others around the world who share similar experiences, values and interests and create a community of people who can support a sanctuary of support when you're surrounded by assholes. To do this, you'll want to surround yourself with CAVE people.
A CAVE person will offer:
Compassion instead of judgment
Acceptance instead of rejection
Validation instead of minimization
Empowerment instead of infantilization
A CAVE person will not prioritize your obedience, your "typicality," your conformity or your dependence. They won't seek to make your decisions for you or judge you for your personal preferences. They will meet you where you are, accept what you have to offer and walk beside you for a little while. They'll help you rise up to meet goals that YOU set for yourself, instead of trying to take away your independence or weakening your self-confidence.
Be A CAVE Person
If you have a history of complex trauma, you may not have benefited from a CAVE person in your life to teach you how to be these things. Most of the behaviors we learn were modeled for us by people close to us at young and impressionable ages, when our brains were gathering information so quickly that we accepted everything we saw as a universal truth. If you were raised around cruelty or indifference, you may need to practice being a CAVE person yourself so that you can recognize what a powerful impact they can deliver (and attract other CAVE people to you).
Practice Compassion: this is like empathy mixed with kindness and sprinkled with benevolence. If people are too intimidating to start with, animals will SOAK UP compassion and reward you with cuddles. Spend time with an animal that will let you interact with it. Think about what the creature needs, what makes it happy, what makes it scared. Cuddle it, give it treats, and bask in the warm fuzzies. Think of your human advantages (size, intelligence, opposable thumbs) in the context of being the creature's protector. When you're ready, extend this practice to a person. Think about their whole life, from birth, through school to now, and all the experiences that have shaped them (most of which will be a mystery to you). Imagine you've just discovered they are a long-lost half-sibling who shares a connection with you despite a lifetime apart. Let yourself feel curious about their past, their struggles, their triumphs, their hopes and fears. What keeps them awake at night? What do they look forward to in the morning? Let yourself care if they feel loved and content or unloved and miserable. Imagine their emotions are contagious, and you can "catch" some of their feelings. What would you want them to feel?
Extend Acceptance: If you were raised by judgmental people, you may struggle with internalized prejudice or intolerance of differences. Neurodivergent people often judge ourselves harshly for our quirks and idiosyncrasies, and unlearning this habit can be painful and slow. You can accelerate the process by extending acceptance to others first. Practice people watching somewhere public where you can watch people without drawing attention to yourself (don't follow anyone, we're not trying to become stalkers). Pay attention to the thoughts you have as you watch them. If you see a woman with a muffin top popping over her leggings, is your inner voice screaming at her to cover her fat? Chances are you grew up around someone who shamed others for their body size. Remind your brain that everyone is entitled to a body, we come in all shapes and sizes, and that it's more important to be comfortable in your own skin than pleasing to someone else's eyes. After all, everyone's eyes are pleased by something different, you can't please them all, so you might as well wear (and eat!) what you want. Do you find yourself judging others for how they parent, how they express themselves, how they behave in public? Ask yourself if the behavior is causing anyone else harm. If it is, be curious about it. What is the harm, and why? Who is being harmed and why? If there is no harm caused, why does it bother you? What do you assume about the person doing it? Challenge your assumptions. Imagine they are all wrong and you have to invent new ones. Get curious again. What if they were a sibling, or your child, or a close friend? Could you accept them as they are, or would you push them to change aspects of themselves to make you more comfortable? When you identify behaviors that make you uncomfortable, get curious about them. Does it trigger you or remind you of past trauma? Is it potentially dangerous, or is it a harmless difference? Can you identify things that you like about them apart from the things that bother you? If they hired you at your dream job, could you work for them? If you had a conversation with them, what would you talk about? Can you identify at least 5 things that you share in common? If they saved your life, would their differences still bother you?
Perform Validation: This is a skill you can practice alone or with others. When someone vents to you about a painful experience, pay attention to your response. Do you pepper them with critical questions, dismiss them as exaggerating or play devil's advocate? Or do you listen and believe that what they are saying is true? When you listen, is it to find inconsistencies to poke holes in their story, or do you listen to understand their frustration or pain? Instead of analyzing the facts of their experience or offering unsolicited solutions, try saying things like "I'm so sorry you experienced that" or "that sounds so painful/frustrating" or "I believe you, thank you for trusting me with your experience." Validation occurs when we observe or hear (vicariously) someone else's experience and extend them the benefit of the doubt, accept that what they are telling you is their true experience, and confirm your belief in their experience. It's an act of faith and trust, it's a way to show someone that you are an ally and that you support them.
I can already hear some readers thinking "but what if they're lying?" And the thing is that validating someone else's experience is a gift that you give out of compassion and kindness. If they deceive you, it doesn't make you any less kind or compassionate, and it doesn't make you "stupid" or gullible for not "seeing through" the lies. The fault lies squarely with the deceiver, and they reap consequences from deceiving a would-be supporter that you may not ever witness. If you discover you have been deceived after validating and believing someone who acted in bad faith, you don't ever have to validate or believe them again. Remind yourself that being able to provide validation and support is not an easy skill, and many people grow up never learning to value it. The mistakes of others do not diminish the incredible gift it is to be able to provide validation to someone who needs it. You can practice this with yourself as well when you hear your inner voice doubting your own experience. We often write it off as impostor syndrome or self-doubt, but our inner critics can be more brutal than our outer critics if we let them speak unchallenged. We all have inner selves, but some of them receive more light than others. When your inner critic pipes up to shout down your inner voice with doubts, remember that often, that inner critic was instilled by the outer critics around us. They don't always even share our values, and sometimes they sabotage our best efforts in order to meet an expectation that someone who didn't believe in (or understand) us coerced us live up to. If your inner critic is drowning out your inner voice, challenge it. Remind it that it has dominated the conversation for too long and it's your inner voice's turn to speak. Listen to your inner voice, your inner child, your deepest self, however you think of the "you" who interacts with the world. Practice hearing that inner voice and validate the heck out of it whenever it speaks up. Tell your inner child that you believe it and it can trust you with the truth, no matter how painful. Reassure your inner self that it is safe to speak its truth and listen when it does. Imagine your inner critic has been bound and gagged and shipped off to chill with the penguins in Antarctica until inner voice is done speaking. Imagine your inner self's story is bound in hardcover and kept in a glass case in the rare and treasured books section. Imagine your inner critic is a tabloid with grease-stained pages and use it to line the bottom of a bird cage.
Support empowerment: When neurotypical people experience trauma, the support they receive looks different than what neurodivergent people receive. Instead of trying to help you get back on your feet, ostensibly well-meaning family or friends can instead step into a caretaker role that robs you of your independence and puts others in charge of important decisions. But common among many ND people is a strong need for agency and self-determination. We can be intensely independent and head-strong, and our need to be in control of our own experience can be misinterpreted as ingratitude or obstinance that can result in isolation and alienation. If we are introverts, we may need time alone, which may be misinterpreted as pushing people away. With clear communication and understanding, we can find people who will respect our needs and provide support that leads to action and change instead of support that leads to dependence and stagnation.
Empowering someone who has endured trauma can look different for every person. It can be giving them a gift or loan that allows them to cover their own needs and not trying to control how they use it. It can be connecting them with opportunities or resources that help them move closer to a goal. It can be helping them learn a skill or habit that breaks them free of a toxic pattern or relationship. It can be sharing knowledge and time that helps them work towards something they can't yet do for themselves. The key of empowerment is to help someone get to where THEY choose to go, not where YOU want them to go. This requires communication: you need to ask what they want or need, and they need to be able to tell you. This takes time to figure out, because abusive relationships can leave us confused about who we even are, let alone what we want and need. You'll need to be patient as they work through casting off old habits and patterns and discover their inner selves. You can empower them through this process by encouraging them to be curious, to experiment, to play, to discover, to be like a child again and tap into the freedom and liberation that many of us lose as we settle into rigid identities. Empower someone who is still figuring out what they want by helping them explore possibilities, but always let them guide the process. Avoid using judgmental language or imposing your biases. Listen to them, be patient if they are confused or change their minds, and make it clear that you are available and willing to support them with ideas, actions, time or resources as they do. Imagine your role in their healing as a plucky sidekick with irrepressible optimism, and they are the main character in pursuit of an epic quest. You may travel much of the journey with them or only walk along a little ways; perhaps you appear as a traveling merchant to offer a tool to help them on their quest, or as a sage to offer advice, or maybe you just offer refreshments and a place to rest along the way. Whatever your role, it is not the main one, and if you want to avoid becoming a villain in their story, ensure that your intentions are aligned with their goal.
Your group of CAVE people will change over time; they will come and go, some offering a little support, others a lot. Be grateful for any CAVE person who enters your life, however briefly. Practice being a CAVE person to yourself and others, and especially to children. If the world was full of CAVE people, it would be a pretty great place to live.
upsides of anger
Advantages of Anger: The Torch VS the Flamethrower
Anger is one of the most maligned, yet also one of the most useful emotions a human can experience. Depending on your gender, you may or may not be "allowed" to express it. Angry men are often described as assertive, while angry women are often labelled as "bitchy." We've all seen anger as a destructive force, but we don't talk enough about how productive it can be. Anger alerts us when injustice has occurred, when boundaries have been violated, when wrongs have been committed. It is more socially acceptable to feel sad about injustice, but anger wants to do something about it. Anger wants to right the wrongs, see justice served and establish boundaries. Anger says "NEVER AGAIN!" and crosses its arms at the door to enforce it.
Anger can also be a motivating force for change. When sadness tells me to curl up in a ball and disappear, anger lights a fire that refuses to surrender. But anger doesn't think very clearly and is quick to make mistakes. In order to harness anger, it helps to be purposefully angry (as opposed to pointlessly). Productive anger, or anger with a purpose, is anger that has arisen as a result of injustice or trauma. When someone hurts us, or if something is unfair, anger can help us change our circumstances. But it needs direction to prevent it from becoming destructive and impulsive.
Some people exerience anger as a flamethrower, which they use to burn everything around them to ash. But used insightfully, anger can be like a cutting torch that corrects isolated injustices.
Productive Anger (The Torch)
This kind of anger arises naturally from an injustice or boundary violation. When harnessed with awareness, insight and control, it can be like fuel that powers you to make healthy, productive changes in your life, and may help decrease future anger by addressing its source.
-Focused on a task or goal: you identify your anger and what you want to use it for. "I AM PISSED OFF AT THIS MESS AND AM GOING TO CLEAN THESE DAMNED DISHES! MY TRUST WAS BROKEN AND I WON'T ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN! THIS ACTION WAS WRONG AND MUST BE CORRECTED! I WON'T ACCEPT A VIOLATION OF MY BOUNDARY AGAIN! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE DISRESPECTED LIKE THAT AND I'M CUTTING YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!"
-Limited and controlled: you are clear about WHY you are angry and you don't let it spill out onto unrelated issues or innocent bystanders. You direct your anger at the task or boundary, but you don't let it inflict collateral damage on innocent bystanders. This may take deliberate measures to calm yourself, like taking a cool-down break, going for a walk, taking a breathing break, and most importantly, reassuring those innocent bystanders that they are NOT responsible for your anger. "I AM ANGRY AT THIS INJUSTICE but I still love my kids/spouse/pet. I AM ANGRY but I won't be angry forever. I AM ANGRY but it is not your fault."
-Accepted and forgiven: you give yourself permission to feel anger and accept it as a normal human emotion that arises in certain situations. "I AM ANGRY and wih good reason. THIS ANGER IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING and I should listen. I AM ANGRY but I am not a bad person. I AM ANGRY and I deserve space to process and experience it."
-Owned and Addressed: you take responsibility for your actions (especially your mistakes). While the anger may have roots in an injustice that is not your fault, you are still responsible for what you do with it. If you cause harm, you acknowledge, address, listen, apologize and make amends. "This anger is mine, and I own my actions. I hurt you when I was angry and I am sorry. Being angry is not an excuse to cause harm."
Productive anger can generate the energy and momentum you need to get out of a deep rut or pattern that causes you pain or suffering. It can empower you make the painful, but positive changes necessary to begin new routines, friendships and relationships that honor and uplift you instead of ones that disrespect and oppress you.
Destructive Anger (The Flamethrower)
This kind of anger can also arise naturally from boundary violations and injustice. But instead of awareness and insight, this anger is often suppressed, ignored, swallowed or buried deep down. Instead of being used as a tool to help improve your own life, this kind of anger is often used as a weapon to harm others, consciously or surreptitiously. Swallowed anger may erupt as toxic passive-aggressiveness or as subtle abuse towards weaker targets, like children and pets. Our emotions don't like to be ignored and will find a way out of us despite our best efforts to squash them. As a result, this kind of anger will rarely abate, and may instead increase and cause more hardship and suffering for you and those close to you.
-Indiscriminate and unfocused: The anger is a consuming whirlwind that leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. Lashing out at anyone and everyone. Making a point to antagonize others. Breaking things, acts of violence and abusive behavior.
-Widespread and uncontrolled: It burns and burns without end, creeping through every aspect of your life, consuming everything in its path. You feel powerless to stop it, it is bigger than you and seems to have a mind of its own. Instead of helping you, it creates more problems.
-Denial and Regret: Refusing to acknowledge the anger or denying its impact. Feeling shame and self-hatred after an explosive outburst. Minimizing or blaming the impact on others. "I'M NOT ANGRY! I WASN'T YELLING! I'M FINE."
-Scapegoating, Projecting and Blaming: Pushing the responsibility of your actions onto other people. Pointing fingers outwards and refusing to look inwards. Refusing to connect your actions with their consequences, and instead attributing those consequences to others. "WHATEVER I DID WHEN I WAS ANGRY IS YOUR FAULT. YOU MADE ME DO IT. YOU'RE EXAGGERATING."
Destructive anger can become contagious when it leads you to violate the boundaries of other people, creating injustice that continues a cycle of abuse or violence. But it's never too late to transform destructive anger into productive anger; it just requires honesty and awareness. It requires that you reflect on actions that may be painful and humbling to acknowledge. You may need to look at a face in the mirror you have been avoiding. It may require apologizing and making amends. But by transforming your destructive anger into a force for change, you are giving yourself a source of fuel and power that may significantly transform your life into one that you can be proud of.
Try something new
Try Something New
After trauma, the world can look like a dangerous place to survivors. Triggers may appear in things we used to take pleasure in. Everyday things can become terrifying obstacles. We may retreat to places that feel safe and become intimidated by the outside world. The resulting isolation can become suffocating and prevent us from healing. We may feel trapped or stuck in an impossible rut, and this feeling can become self-fulfilling. But sometimes, just trying something small and new can help us break out of it.
Choose Your Own Adventure: do something you have never done before. Eat at a restaurant you've never tried. Try something you've been curious about but never attempted, like curling or learning Amharic. You may not enjoy it, and you may never do it again, but simply by introducing novel things, you can flex your mind out of stagnant patterns and create new opportunities. Introduce yourself to a stranger and have a conservation. Many of us accidentally limit our own choices by remaining in the same decision patterns day after day, year after year. Making small changes in our routines by introducing new little things can help us practice being comfortable with bigger changes. Having trouble thinking of something? Try one of these:
-Try a new food or cuisine you've never eaten
-Take a walk in a park or neighborhood you've never visited
-Rewind: Do something you do every day but try to do it backwards
-Turn over a new leaf: Go to a library or book store, find a random book and read at least 5 pages of it
-Choose a random word out of the dictionary and work it into at least 5 different conversations
-Go play Bingo at a senior center and attempt to befriend the person sitting next to you
-Buy lunch or coffee for a stranger and eat/drink with them
-Learn (or invent) a new dance move and practice it outside
-Create positive or perplexing messages or drawings on sticky notes, rocks or sidewalks (with chalk) and leave them for other people to find
-Let a magic 8 ball or other random divination tool decide for you for an entire day
-Do an anonymous good deed for someone
-Leave a mark: Use rocks, sticks, or leaves to create a pattern, cairn, or design somewhere and leave for others to find
-Dance barefoot at the edge of a body of water
-Draw yourself as a pet and your pet as a person
-Make up a gift bag with dollar store goodies and leave it anonymously at someone's door
-Attempt to track an animal in the woods by looking for tracks, fur or scat
-Climb a tree and sit in it for as long as you can
-Invent a new word and meaning for the word and use it in conversation until someone asks you what it means
-Create an alter-ego for yourself and spend an afternoon as if you were that identity
-Design a "missing" poster for an imaginary creature or being and post it on a bulletin board
-Go through an entire day without verbalizing a single word, communicating entirely through mime, drawings or writing
-Blindfold yourself and see how long you can go without taking it off
-Dress up in a costume and do mundane errands like grocery shopping as your character
-Learn something new: try a new sport, study a new language, develop a skill you've been curious about like welding, stained glass, fire dancing or underwater basket weaving
-Go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole: search for something that interests you and follow embedded links in the article, reading whatever pages you find as you do
-Get creative: try a medium you've never used. Make marks with charcoal, pastels, a burnt stick. Sculpt something from raw clay, assemble junk and found objects into a picture, make a mosaic from pebbles and broken plastic. Turn a broken appliance or object into an animal or imaginary being. Embellish a thrift-strore painting, transforming it into something bizarre or beautiful. Cover a box with meaningful letters, papers, broken jewelry and keepsakes. Find a really cool stick and turn it into a magic wand by wrapping with threads and yarns and attaching beads, feathers, watch parts or broken jewelry. Paint rocks and hide them around town.
Find Something To Believe In
Find Something To believe in
There is no shortage of religious doctrines and practices to join in search of meaning and connection. But if you find it difficult to believe in a supernatural deity, there are plenty of earth-based causes that can help you feel a sense of purpose. Giving our time and energy to a cause that is bigger than ourselves can be incredibly rewarding and support our sense of confidence and competence. It can satisfy our moral muscle, that part of us that longs to be a "good" person, to make a difference in the world. Supporting a cause that aims to right a wrong, address injustice or correct inequity does more than help us build that internal infrastructure that supports a healthy identity. Taken together, these small acts combine to help move the world towards a more just, equitable future for all. So you really are making the world a better place, even if it's just a tiny bit better. Here are some ideas of causes to research to find one that fits your values and priorities:
-Human-centered causes: social justice movements (Black Lives Matter, Indigenous rights, LGBTQIA+ Pride, anti-racism, anti-bigotry), houselessness (homeless shelters and kitchens), poverty (food banks, job training, childcare), domestic violence shelters, ND advocacy, finding treatments or cures for specific diseases or health conditions, child fostering/welfare, post-prison rehabilitation, addiction rehab, supporting disabled veterans
-Animal-centered causes: no-kill shelters, wildlife reserves and rehabilitation, endangered species protection, anti-poaching efforts, habitat conservation, animal fostering and protection
-Earth-centered causes: climate change, coastal erosion, ocean pollution, air pollution, renewable energy sources, conservation efforts, sustainability programs, native plant gardens, bee-friendly gardening
Obviously the above is not a complete list of the many worthy issues and causes that exist in the world. Feel free to send me your favorite, and I will add it to the list of suggestions!
Tiny Accomplishments
Tiny Accomplishments
Neurodivergent people often have what's called a "spiky profile," meaning a set of capabilities and strengths that are very high in some areas and very low in others. Trauma can exacerbate our already spiky profiles into even spikier ones, leading us to feel depressed and discouraged about our capabilities. If we have heard a lot about our limitations over the years, we may internalize these as beliefs about ourselves. We may believe we are broken, damaged, incompetent people, and these beliefs may prevent us from growing into our true potential. We may struggle to complete large goals or major tasks, "confirming" the negative assumptions made about us.
One of the most effective ways to begin to build confidence in our abilities again is through success: by setting a goal and then meeting or exceeding it, we prove to ourselves that we have the capacity to succeed. But after trauma, and especially if we are neurodivergent, it can help to start with small, limited goals (like doing the dishes) instead of huge ones (like landing that dream job). Below are the steps that I use to help build confidence in myself when I feel like a waste of space.
-Identify a small goal: doing the dishes or load of laundry, organizing a room (or part of a room), writing (or responding to) an email, even taking a shower can seem like impossible tasks when you are experiencing executive dysfunction or depression. Pick the one that seems the most doable and tell yourself you're going to complete it today.
-Psych yourself up: put on your power playlist, make yourself an energizing beverage, do some jumping jacks, or just repeat to yourself "I'M GONNA DO (THE THING) TODAY! I'M GONNA DO (THE THING) TODAY!"
-Promise yourself a reward: Make a deal with yourself. Tell yourself that if you do the thing, you can play a video game after, or zone out on Tik Tok for an hour, or go for a treat, or some other little reward. Don't let yourself have it until you've done the thing.
-Watch for your window: when the coffee kicks in, or when you feel your foot tapping, or you find yourself in the room where the thing needs to be done, start doing the thing. Start anywhere- rinse a dish, empty the dishwasher, gather some dirty clothes, open your laptop, turn on the water. Just start it.
-Follow the momentum: let yourself do the next step. Keep telling yourself "I'M DOING (THE THING)! I'M DOING (THE THING)!" Think about the reward while you do the thing to distract yourself from quitting.
-REFUSE TO FEEL SHAME if you lose momentum and quit before the task is completed. Remind yourself that you started it, that something is better than nothing, and congratulate yourself on the effort. Remind yourself you can still finish the task. Plan to pick up where you left off. When you feel able, start over from the top. If you feel shame creeping in, shout it down. Summon your inner Gandalf if you must. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
-CELEBRATE when you finish the thing. Give yourself the reward and enjoy it while telling yourself "I DID (THE THING)! YAY ME!" Make a special dance, draw yourself an award, pat yourself on the back. Choose something you can do every time you complete a task. Pretend you're rewarding a small child for doing something difficult and be sincere and earnest in your self-compliments.
-Record your accomplishment somewhere that you can revisit. Start a list of things you've done and keep adding to it. When you feel shitty about yourself, look at the list. Remember that you can do things, and that if you can do things that feel impossible, you can do other "impossible" things.
Follow the Signs
Follow the signs
Human beings are unique among earth creatures for our ability to see the pattern in the chaos. We can look at a jumble of letters and easily pick out potential words or messages hidden within. We can look at a log and see a potential canoe, stack of firewood, birdhouse. This ability to generate meaning from simple objects is part of the creative process, and is an essential aspect of our experience. It helps us create the context upon which our entire existence depends.
Many of us are content to accept our meaning or purpose from a preexisting doctrine- a particular religious faith, philosophy or tradition that we accept from the family or community we are born into. But you don't need a formal doctrine to make sense of the world and your place in it. Complex patterns and systems surround us in nature: the symmetry in the leaves of a flower, the irregularly ordered networks of roots and branches on a tree, the predictable ratios in the spiral of a shell or fern frond, the natural beauty of the golden ratio, the inexplicable regularity of wildlife migration. There is much about the world that remains unexplained, and the process of observing and examining inexplicable natural phenomena can lead to parallel observations in your personal life.
-Approach mystery with curiosity: Humans love to be "right." We feel uncomfortable when we cannot explain something and will instinctively create an explanation that suits our particular bias. But this practice is short-sighted and often results in inaccurate assumptions, resulting in opinions or beliefs based on prejudice instead of ones based on facts. This practice tends to increase as we age, because our egos like to pretend we have all the answers. If we approach the unknown like young children do, with earnest curiosity and a desire to learn the truth, our minds are more receptive to the reality of what we observe. We are less likely to project our own bias and more likely to glean something meaningful from the experience. Let yourself fall into wonder at the infinite possibilities for what you cannot explain. Allow your mind to freely generate explanations but reject the urge to accept them as fact; let them float around in your mind like balloons, as many balloons as you can conceive. Let the potential answers pop up without judgment, and let them disappear just as freely. If there are balloons that shine more brightly than the others, tie strings to them and hold onto them for further examination. If they burst under examination, let them fall away into the background and turn your attention to what remains.
-Let the Universe guide you: When we experience cruelty or abuse from loved ones or intimate partners, we can lose trust in our abilities to make good decisions and question our judgment. This can lead to decision paralysis and feeling overwhelmed when faced with multiple choices. Pretend the Universe is intervening on your behalf to guide you towards healing, and will send you signs to follow. Do you find yourself noticing funny coincidences? Do you keep seeing a particular number, name or symbol over and over? Pretend it's a message. Look for that number or name, and let it guide you if you feel stuck or lost. Look for that number or symbol. Let it make the choice for you until you feel confident enough to decide for yourself again.
-Seek Meaning Through Divination: Using divination to uncover hidden meaning is a practice as old as civilization. While it is nowhere near as effective or reliable as the scientific method as a means of uncovering hidden truths about the physical world, it can be a helpful exercise to help you uncover hidden truths about yourself and your purpose. Complex tools like tarot cards or oracle decks can help us explore the complicated balance of forces and factors that compete for our time and attention. Light-hearted tools like a Magic 8 Ball or a humorous horoscope can help us suss out deep-seated opinions or beliefs that we choose to suppress or ignore. Random number generators, anagram generators, predictive text games, dice or coin flips can help us when we feel decision paralysis or are simply too exhausted to make a choice. Ancient techniques like examining tea leaves, bones, runes, palms or patterns of colored stones can help us exercise our creativity and connect with our ancestors or culture. When divining, try to keep your mind flexible- accept whatever ideas pop into your mind, and let them escape just as easily. Let your mind be a revolving door in which ideas pop in and out as they pass. If an idea resonates strongly with you (you get chills or goosebumps or an urge to examine it more closely), jot it down as a note somewhere you can revisit it for further reflection.
Dress to express
Dress to Express, not to impress
If you grew up hearing a lot of criticism (and emphasis) on your external looks, you may struggle with body image and self esteem later in life. We internalize the preferences of people close to us, and often dress to impress the people we want to like us instead of to express the person within us. By reconnecting with your true tastes and embracing your own preferences, you build confidence in your own identity and inch closer to the true you. For a wide range of affordable fashions, try browsing in a thrift store. As an exercise, imagine you woke up with complete amnesia and cannot remember who you are. You're a blank slate. What would you gravitate towards? What catches your eye? What do you wish you were brave enough to wear in public? Try it on. Try on everything that speaks to you. Try on clothes of genders you don't identify with, just to see how they feel. If you like how you feel in something, buy it and wear it and feel how differently you walk and carry yourself. Dressing to EXPRESS your own identity, instead of to IMPRESS someone else, is an effective way to connect with who you are underneath all those external and subjective standards of beauty. By dressing authentically for your own tastes, you communicate your independence and autonomy. It's an act of honor directed at your inner self. Revel in it! Check out the People Watching Gallery for some self-expression inspiration.
Find Your People
Find your people
If you were born neurodivergent, you might have grown up feeling different than your peers and family. If you've suffered trauma or abuse, you may experience additional social anxiety, or existing communcation differences may be amplified. This can lead to a lot of lonely nights.
Humans are social animals. We only lasted long enough to make iPhones because we were able to work together to make civilizations that lasted long enough to produce the technology. We only exist because of an unbroken line of social interactions stretching back to the first humans. As much as we like to complain about each other, we evolved only because we had other humans to help us. When you're recovering from trauma, other humans can be an integral part of that process.
A tribe or clan of like-minded friends and acquaintances can help provide validation, a sense that you deserve to exist and have something to contribute. The very best clans celebrate your identity and accomplishments and give valuable feedback and support. A strong network of friends who accept you for all your traits can become chosen family
So what if you've made it to adulthood without managing to form any healthy human friendships? Making friends can feel awkward and even frightening if you're used to going it alone. Thanks to the wonders of technology, we have whole search engines to help us identify and connect with other humans. Here's a list of ideas to get you started.
-Look up your interests on social media: Facebook gets a bad rep, and for good reason. It's a place for misinformation to multiply and take root. But its groups features has attracted a wide array of special interests, and since many of them do some form of moderation to keep out trolls and spammers, you can find little pockets of potential tribe mates among the garbage. As a fan of the post-apocalyptic genre, I've thoroughly enjoyed the Wasteland Weekend groups, where other wannabe wasteland warriors share their homemade costumes and props, along with techniques for distressing or "wasting" clothes and gear. On Twitter, I follow multiple advocates who represent neurdiverse communities. The ND threads provide validation, suggestions for adaptation or accommodation, and keep me connected with others who are working to make life easier for other neurodivergent folk. I use Discord to connect with fellow old fart Fortnite players and have found immense satisfaction from building squads of buddies to unwind and shoot the shit with while we battle for a Victory Royale. Most of these groups are simple to join and let you interact at your own pace; you can lurk for as long as it takes you to get comfortable until you build the confidence to introduce yourself.
-Attend a music or art festival: Here in the weird and wonderful PNW, there are multiple fairs and festivals catering to a wide array of interests and tastes. There are comic conventions that embrace cosplay; music festivals like Bumbershoots or the Subdued Stringband Jamboree; buy-nothing sustainability events like Barter Faire; Art and Performance festivals like BAMF! and Sh'Bang!. For the fullest experience, I recommend bringing a tent or camper and setting up near a group of interesting looking people. Between shows or sets you can mingle with adults of all ages in low-stakes, casual interactions. Many of these festivals even offer free or discounted tickets to volunteers who commit to spending part of the experience supporting the festival behind the scenes in the kitchen, backstage or on the grounds, giving you more opportunities to connect and bond with fellow volunteers.
-Volunteer at a nonprofit: Many neurodivergent people are highly empathetic and seek out experiences that provide a sense of meaning or purpose. These traits can be incredibly useful for organizations that depend on volunteers to support their work. Start with what you enjoy doing for free, just for the sake of it. If you love animals, look up animal shelters, wildlife refuges or rehabilitation groups in your area. The satisfaction that comes from helping a creature heal or find a forever home can be healing all on its own; not to mention the potential like-minded friendships you can form with fellow volunteers. If you like working with people, look into senior centers, children's hospitals, disabled vet groups, libraries or schools for programs that enlist volunteers. Use your special interests to guide you: community theaters, visual arts organizations, choirs and orchestras, gardening clubs, history groups, conservation orgs are just some of many groups that thrive on volunteers who donate their time and energy. There are no end of opportunities to meet potential friends and allies; you just need to put yourself in a position to meet them.
-Send out a beacon: If you struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria or social anxiety, it may feel more comfortable to help your people find you. But to do this, you'll need to make yourself findable. A website, social media page or other public-facing platform can help you build a beacon that attracts potential clanmates to you. By emphasizing your interests and values on your page or account, you can attract others of similar mindset. You may also attract trolls, so don't hesitate to exercise your right to mute, block or otherwise shield yourself from people who seek out conflict. Be authentic and communicate what is special, different, unique or interesting about you (if you are neurodivergent, you may have grown up hearing your traits mischaracterized as "flaws" and not even realize how many unique and interesting qualities you have, and this may require some reflection). Feature your interests, share whatever you feel comfortable sharing and then spread the word across teh interwebs. Be patient during this process; as user-generated content expands exponentially, it can take time for your people to find you. But they can't find you at all if you don't put yourself out there to be found.