For Curious Entities
What is a nonentity?
The story of how I became a nonentity is a long, sad story that I'm still working on putting into words. It is a term that was used by my parents and brother to nullify my existence after escaping an abusive marriage. As I processed the trauma I survived during the marriage, I was forced to confront childhood abuse that had prepared me to ignore the red flags and normalized mistreatment. Rather than support me on this journey, my family labeled me a "nonentity" and insisted on maintaining contact with my abuser while shunning their own daughter and sister. I am a neurodivergent trauma survivor (I was diagnosed with OCD and PTSD but share traits of autism and ADHD), and part of my healing process had been transforming my pain into purpose. For Mental Health Awareness Month 2021, I began building this site to provide comfort and support for other nonentities- those of us who are neurodivergent and have survived abuse or rejection by our families or intimate partners.
Please note that I am not a mental health professional and none of the suggestions on this site should be taken as medical advice. My degrees are in math and physics, and I hold a masters in teaching secondary math. All of the information on this site is written from my perspective as a neurodivergent survivor of domestic violence and childhood trauma. I am not an expert on mental health. I'm just an expert on surviving bullshit.
Contact a nonentity
If you'd like to contribute something to this site or ask a question, feel free to reach out. I'll do my level best to respond.
Support the nonentity in your life
If you care about a nonentity in your life and would like to be a source of support, there are many ways to be an ally. There are also, unfortunately for us, many ways to be a well-meaning dick. Providing support to someone who has experienced trauma and abuse from loved ones can be tricky, and requires sincere compassion and patient understanding. Many of us find our ability to trust other people severely impacted after being hurt by people we once loved and trusted. When we are caught in a self-defense loop we may lash out, weep, raise our voices or shut down completely. Here are some ways to support us with respect and compassion. If you can, be a CAVE person.
-Validate our existence: we may struggle with feelings of worthlessness and believe that the world would be better off without us. Often these feelings are secret and we don't share them with anyone out of fear that someone will report us as suicidal and cause us to lose what little autonomy we have remaining. You can help by acknowledging our existence and saying something positive about our presence.
"I'm glad you're my cousin."
"Remember the time we did that funny thing together?"
"I like this thing about you."
"I miss hanging out with you."
-Offer Tangible Support: It's customary in our culture to offer ambiguous niceties to each other in times of crisis, like "let me know if you need anything" or "call me if you need help." But nonentities often struggle with reaching out for help. If you are sincere in your intention to help, be specific and name a time. Ask us what we need support with and clearly communicate how you can help. Be sure to ask if it's something we need help with and don't take it personally if we decline. Many of us struggle with asking for or accepting assistance and have adopted extreme independence as a survival mechanism to cope with neglectful or unsupportive families. But often we desperately need help; we are just too embarassed or ashamed to ask. Here are some suggestions for tangible, specific offers of help that we may be receptive to:
"Can I take you to get coffee/tea/ice cream tomorrow and vent about life?"
"I am free tomorrow/this weekend to come help you clean your house."
"Can I watch your kids for the evening/day/weekend so you can take some time for yourself?"
"Can I bring over dinner tonight?"
"Can I help you pay your rent this month?"
-Help Decrease Stigma. Avoid using words like "crazy," "psycho," "unstable," "retarded," "mentally ill" or "you need therapy" as insults or to disparage the behaviors of other people. Don't assume that you can tell someone's diagnosis (or lack thereof) without their disclosure and don't "diagnose" people through gossip or behind their back. Don't question someone's mental health in order to gain social points or win an argument. If you are trying to describe something (or someone's behavior) that is strange, bizzare or inexplicable, try one of these alternatives instead: Screwy, absurd, surreal, ridiculous, ludicrous, wacky, poppycockish, preposterous, peculiar, eccentric, erratic, snozzlewobbles, blogo, bongo, haywire, loopy, milky in the filbert, minus some buttons, nertz, nertzy, on the blink, piffed, quisby, squirrely, unnoodled, goopish, precious foolish, ga-ga, rattlebeaned, super-silly-ous, blithering, chumpy, darnfoolski, enough to make a cat laugh, simply killing, dizzell, jambled, off at the nail, off the hinges, playing with squirrels, boogerish, anomalistic, curious, outlandish, wild, bonkers, bananas.
-Keep them connected: Nonentities can become black sheep if their families are embarassed or ashamed of their existence. They may not understand social cues that you take for granted, and may have issues with trust, especially if other family members have betrayed them. If you value their presence in your life, let them know regularly. Make them a part of your life. Text or contact them every month even if they don't respond. Invite them out to eat once in awhile, or make a yearly reunion tradition.
-Practice Acceptance: Be patient with people who are diffferent than you and try not to project or impose your own values onto them. Accept their differences and don't try to change them in order to "fit in" better with what you consider "normal." Remember that if everyone were the same, we wouldn't have art, music, films or books. We need people who see the world differently to imagine new ways of being and doing. Don't police other people's choices if they aren't hurting anyone. Let people be quirky. Try saying positive things about someone's differences instead of pretending not to notice (or worse, making fun of them for it).
